All I Have To Give

I feel so unaccomplished, but I also feel like I try so hard. Like, how much more do I have to do? Am I even capable of doing anymore? I know that I am, but I feel like I'm not.

I'm gonna start saving money to apply to another show. I doubt I'll have saved $40 by May 30, but I'm going to try. (That's just pathetic, that I don't think I'll be able to scrounge up $40 by then).

The thing is, I keep really wanting to put more of myself into my artwork, put myself out there, try harder. But with my current financial situation, there are so many other things I need to take care of before I can get to the art stuff.

I know that I have no right to complain about my financial situation, though, because so many people have it so much worse than me. And honestly, I chose this for myself. I could've had everything paid for if I had transferred to UNCA. They have a pretty good photography program. It's geared more towards photojournalism, but I could've managed. I would've been in the mountains, close to home, living with one of my best friends in the whole entire world, and having the majority of my expenses paid for by my father (if I had transferred to UNCC, he would've paid for everything) (seriously, how little my father cares about me as his own flesh and blood seems almost comical if it weren't such an endangerment). Instead, I acknowledged that it would be much harder for myself to do what I wanted, and did it anyway. I'm notoriously stubborn, I will not compromise what I want just to make my life easier.

That's why, yesterday in Seminar when everyone was talking about what they've done to accomplish their goals, I just wanted to stand up and scream 'I'M STILL A STUDENT AT VCU! I STILL HAVE A ROOF OVER MY HEAD AND I EAT AT LEAST ONCE A DAY! I'M STILL ALIVE AND TRYING SO HARD TO GET THIS DEGREE! THAT'S WHAT I'M DOING!'. I think a lot of people take this education and this university for granted, and it always stings for people like me who are $25,000 + in debt after one year of education. That someone else came across this so easily, while I've been saving and scrimping and starving for so long just to get to the same place.

So, Shane, if you ever read/browse these blogs, that's what I'm doing. I'm working a low-paying job at the mall and paying my rent late and trying to keep up my credit score up so I can actually get approved for a new apartment come June. I'm driving my car for days with the gas light on and I'm buying $.60 mac&cheese for dinner, I'm doing my laundry only once a month to afford film and I'm trying trying trying to make a name for myself as an entertainment and wedding photographer. I'm writing my debts on my bedroom mirror so I never forget what I owe, even though my sense of self-entitlement is screaming out in protest.